1. I'm not really from Minnesota. I'm from the Planet Krypton, which means that I am faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings with a single bound! I have X-ray vision, and when I blink my eyes, supper is on the table! My grandfather, Kal-El, sent my father here to the prairie where I was born and left me to be adopted by nice people and raised in a stable home.
2. I'm also related to the great Pentecostal Evangelist, Aimee Semple McPherson. She was, like me, glamorous and beautiful, and a mesmerizing public speaker and preacher. She acquired quite a following. However, in the late 1920s, she disappeared for a few weeks. She claimed to have been kidnapped. But, I know that she was really out on the prairie somewhere...
3. I was the world's youngest presidential candidate back in 1960. Because I was a Republican back then, I split the vote with Richard Nixon: and that's the real reason why John F. Kennedy became president. Here's a picture of me making one of my famous stump speeches from my stroller. My platform? Votes for babies! Guess a lot of babies voted for me!
4. I traveled to the Arctic Circle a number of years ago with the famous local explorers Will Steger and Ann Bancroft. I trained for this feat by carrying large packs of supplies for miles, by grueling cross-country skiing, and by walking my dog in the middle of winter in Minnesota.
5. My husband is a world-champion body-builder. He can lift pianos, pews, and just about anything you need. He can carry 20 tons of canned goods for the local food shelf, after a successful food drive. He can even dislodge angry parishoners and move them closer to the front of the church in an emergency.
6. Oh, but wait a minute: I'm not really a woman! Do you remember that story about how there was a woman pope back in the middle ages, Pope Joan? She ascended to power disguised as a man. Well, that is my story in reverse. Not only am I not a woman, I am in fact, the poet laureate Billy Collins. I have a wry sense of humor, and have even been on Garrison Keillor's A Prairie Home Companion.
7. Recently, I made a small fortune because I invented famous Jesus Heals Band-Aids! What else can I say? I was divinely inspired! Try them!