Wednesday, January 2, 2008

7 Lies About Me

People say to me, "You are a woman pastor. That's amazing! How do you do it?" Well, here's how:


1. I'm not really from Minnesota. I'm from the Planet Krypton, which means that I am faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings with a single bound! I have X-ray vision, and when I blink my eyes, supper is on the table! My grandfather, Kal-El, sent my father here to the prairie where I was born and left me to be adopted by nice people and raised in a stable home.






2. I'm also related to the great Pentecostal Evangelist, Aimee Semple McPherson. She was, like me, glamorous and beautiful, and a mesmerizing public speaker and preacher. She acquired quite a following. However, in the late 1920s, she disappeared for a few weeks. She claimed to have been kidnapped. But, I know that she was really out on the prairie somewhere...






3. I was the world's youngest presidential candidate back in 1960. Because I was a Republican back then, I split the vote with Richard Nixon: and that's the real reason why John F. Kennedy became president. Here's a picture of me making one of my famous stump speeches from my stroller. My platform? Votes for babies! Guess a lot of babies voted for me!



4. I traveled to the Arctic Circle a number of years ago with the famous local explorers Will Steger and Ann Bancroft. I trained for this feat by carrying large packs of supplies for miles, by grueling cross-country skiing, and by walking my dog in the middle of winter in Minnesota.




5. My husband is a world-champion body-builder. He can lift pianos, pews, and just about anything you need. He can carry 20 tons of canned goods for the local food shelf, after a successful food drive. He can even dislodge angry parishoners and move them closer to the front of the church in an emergency.






6. Oh, but wait a minute: I'm not really a woman! Do you remember that story about how there was a woman pope back in the middle ages, Pope Joan? She ascended to power disguised as a man. Well, that is my story in reverse. Not only am I not a woman, I am in fact, the poet laureate Billy Collins. I have a wry sense of humor, and have even been on Garrison Keillor's A Prairie Home Companion.



7. Recently, I made a small fortune because I invented famous Jesus Heals Band-Aids! What else can I say? I was divinely inspired! Try them!



This meme was started by Splotchy, I was challenged by the Divine Democrat, and I tag: Presbyterian Gal, Barbara from View from the Road, and whoever else would like to try it!

19 comments:

Barbara B. said...

LOL -- too funny!!!
What a great baby face -- I would definitely have voted for you!

OK, I'm up for the tag. Of course I'll have to ponder the lies first! :)

Diane said...

take your time, Barb! It took me awhile!

Douglas said...

The truth is beyond imagination, because it isn't something you imagine.

Presbyterian Gal said...

I was one of the babies who voted for you! And I thought I was stuffing the ballot box, but it was my diaper by mistake!!

LOL. and Yeee Haw! Gonna go dust off my Covenant Players Bull Thrower's award and get busy.

Hot Cup Lutheran said...

you creative writers are so good at this! i passed b/c for the life of me i just can't come up with such creative spell-binding stuff... must be those super powers of yours!

LawAndGospel said...

This is a hoot! Especially after having recently read from Prepare Ye, that when he went home from seminary for break the number one comment/question was - you mean they ordain women? Go figure.

FranIAm said...

Diane, Diane, Diane. Now I have met you so you know I am in a position to challenge many of your so-called "lies".

Plus as a Catholic, a New Yorker and another effete northeastern liberal I love to decry so much of what comes out of the midwest! (/snark alert!)

However, you make it damned near impossible to do so. How I remember those baby years! Because my own dear Mother had become a Republican, around the time I was born, she sent me off to campaign for you. She wanted me to learn about life outside of NYC, and she was wise to do so!

It was a hard lesson- toddling all over Iowa, but at least in those days the campaigns were shorter and less money needed for tv ads. I was happy to walk in your shadow and gave the campaign all that I had. We all did. Remember how we cried and cried when we Nixon took the caucuses! Tricky Dicky vs. Darling Diane! The choice was obvious, what were people thinking?


Deep sigh. It feels like only yesterday.

Seeing the photo of John, I was reminded of our breakfast. No one believes me when I tell them of your husband's super human strength and how he lifted up the cross town bus so that the little old lady (that would be me) could cross the street. What a day that was!

Anyway, I have rambled on too long here, but I am very deeply disappointed in the fact that every "lie" here is just a truth in disguise!

Wait... are you running for President again????

Oh, no. That would be every truth is just a lie in disguise. Sorry. At 50 I get so easily confused.

LawAndGospel said...

Back again to say, stop by my place. I tagged you for a pet meme.

Diane said...

okay, law and gospel, but I have a couple of things I have to do first.

Gannet Girl said...

This is GREAT!

I love that you are really Billy Collins in disguise.

Robert Rouse said...

Leave it to Mary Ellen to lead me to another great Christian blog. As a liberal Christian, it's tough to find Christian blogs that aren't also extreme right wing. By the way, great lies! I can't believe I just said that to a pastor.

gartenfische said...

This was great! I especially like the baby running for president (and what a cute picture!).

I am Chorus said...

This is very, very funny. Well done!

Rev SS said...

LOL! So good to have clever writers like you to read ... I, like Hot Cup, am not one of them .. so, I'll go browse some more blogs of those who are.

Thanks for the laughs!

Jan said...

I'm still laughing! You are great at telling stories!! What a gift--and with pictures to go along with each one! LOL (still!)

mompriest said...

LOL - diane!

Wyldth1ng said...

That is awesome! I need some bandaids.

Mary Ellen said...

Excellent lying, my dear. Although, the part about the baby might well be true..so are you lying about the lying? Does that make you a double liar? And here we all thought that the Mayor Richard J. Daley in Chicago is the one who handed the election over to JFK!

I have to say, the biggest difference between your lies and the Catholic lies I put on my blog...I put pics of half naked women up to please my male bloggers. Guess that tells you somethin' about we Catholics, eh? We didn't earn the name "Whores of Babylon" for nothin'. ;-)

Now...about that husband of yours that can lift piano's, does he have a brother? ;-)

Diane said...

Mary Ellen, I wondered why I didn't have very many male readers.