My former congregation had a generous policy about funerals. There were a lot of people who were connected with us, in some way or another, and we could usually find some way to work it out if someone wanted to have their funeral in our sanctuary. But, we have always had two or more pastors, so it was relatively easy to work that into someone's schedule. If it didn't work out for any of the pastors, on one or two occasions we authorized another pastor to come and lead the funeral service.
So it was that one Monday our receptionist got a phone call from a family that desperately wanted their mother's funeral in our sanctuary, even though she had transferred to another congregation many years ago. They also wanted one of the former pastors at their current congregation to preside at the service.
That sounded like a slightly strange request, but it was a funeral, and I am sympathetic with grieving people. We said that one of the pastors of our congregation (probably me) would work with them, along with the pastor that they wanted.
The family said that this makes sense. "After all, it's your church," they said.
We set a time for the family to meet with both pastors. I found out the name of the other pastor. I did not know him, but I did know one thing about him: he came from a faith tradition which does not ordain women as pastors. I had his number and tried to get in touch with him. Finally I left to make another home visit.
When I returned the pastor and the other family were waiting. I sat down with them and took out note paper and a hymnal, so that we could write down hymns and scripture readings. We talked about the policy of the church, and how we serve the lunch.
Then the other pastor said, "I am sorry to say this, but I am not allowed to serve in public worship with you. This is the policy of my denomination. My hands are tired."
I was sitting there with this pastor and a grieving family. They knew what I had told them before.
I swallowed hard, and said, "All right then. I will help you plan the service. I will put you in touch with the musician from our congregation. I will help your with the luncheon. I will make sure that the building is prepared for you. I will pray for you."
"You're so gracious," the family said.
"You're so gracious," the other pastor said.
Is that what it was? I had a grieving family with nowhere else to go. I could not pull the rug out from under them now. The most important thing was the proclamation of the resurrection that would take place at this funeral. I knew that it was not about me. I am not the only one who can comfort and proclaim the good news of Jesus' life.
And yet, it sort of felt like it was about me. "You are unacceptable." That's what they were saying. And I stood there and I took it, knowing in my heart of hearts that I was not unacceptable, but feeling slimed nonetheless.
"You're so gracious," they said.
Sometimes, grace is hard. Really hard.
On that Friday I was not allowed to enter the sanctuary of the church where I had been called as pastor. Other people thought it was so wonderful that we showed hospitality to a grieving family. I am glad that we showed this hospitality to a grieving family.
And yet….
Recently I met with a young woman who wants to have her wedding here. She is not a member of my congregation. She is from another faith tradition, one I am only slightly familiar with. I told her the policy of our congregation is that if the wedding is here, I need to be involved in the ceremony with that. "Are you sure your pastor is all right with that?" I asked.
She was sure her pastor was all right with that.
I called him. He is not sure that he is all right with that.
Sometimes, being gracious is hard. Really hard.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Monday, September 21, 2015
Double Minded
It was a great week, or it was a horrible week.
Take your pick.
I met with the youth director of a neighboring congregation, had lunch with a bunch of other new pastors, had a great 'meet the pastor' meeting with some of my congregation members, got picked up by the Christian Century Blog network again. I also had a fantastic dinner and conversation with parish members this Saturday evening. A lot of good things happened.
And, I lost my billfold.
I am not sure when, and I am not sure where, but I spent the weekend trying to keep my mind on writing a sermon while making a list of every place I had been during the week. I made phone calls and cancelled credit cards, and, alternatively, considered Jesus' words about suffering and rejection and greatness in the kingdom of God. I looked under sofa cushions and mattresses, and I wrote paragraphs about disciples following, or not following, Jesus.
In last week's gospel, the disciples don't really understand Jesus' words about being rejected, and dying, and rising. But they are afraid to ask. And I attributed this silence to double-mindedness. They didn't want to ask Jesus because they were double-minded about following Jesus. They wanted to follow him, but they also had their minds on greatness.
This weekend, I confess, that I wasn't single-minded either. I was thinking of my billfold, and I was thinking of my sermon. I was thinking of following Jesus, and I was afraid and worried and beating myself up with all kinds of words and scenarios. It wasn't the actual process of having to cancel things and look places that was the problem. It was the way my heart was so full of recriminations that there was barely room for good news.
The irony there is not lost on me. Being single-minded is hard. Maybe impossible, us being human and all. As it turns out, I am no different than the disciples. Jesus invites me to follow him in service, and see him in the small and the weak. I go on looking for him in large signs and miracles. He asks me to break the bread, and trust that it will be multiplied, in mouths I cannot see.
I haven't found my billfold. I'm still looking. And following.
Take your pick.
I met with the youth director of a neighboring congregation, had lunch with a bunch of other new pastors, had a great 'meet the pastor' meeting with some of my congregation members, got picked up by the Christian Century Blog network again. I also had a fantastic dinner and conversation with parish members this Saturday evening. A lot of good things happened.
And, I lost my billfold.
I am not sure when, and I am not sure where, but I spent the weekend trying to keep my mind on writing a sermon while making a list of every place I had been during the week. I made phone calls and cancelled credit cards, and, alternatively, considered Jesus' words about suffering and rejection and greatness in the kingdom of God. I looked under sofa cushions and mattresses, and I wrote paragraphs about disciples following, or not following, Jesus.
In last week's gospel, the disciples don't really understand Jesus' words about being rejected, and dying, and rising. But they are afraid to ask. And I attributed this silence to double-mindedness. They didn't want to ask Jesus because they were double-minded about following Jesus. They wanted to follow him, but they also had their minds on greatness.
This weekend, I confess, that I wasn't single-minded either. I was thinking of my billfold, and I was thinking of my sermon. I was thinking of following Jesus, and I was afraid and worried and beating myself up with all kinds of words and scenarios. It wasn't the actual process of having to cancel things and look places that was the problem. It was the way my heart was so full of recriminations that there was barely room for good news.
The irony there is not lost on me. Being single-minded is hard. Maybe impossible, us being human and all. As it turns out, I am no different than the disciples. Jesus invites me to follow him in service, and see him in the small and the weak. I go on looking for him in large signs and miracles. He asks me to break the bread, and trust that it will be multiplied, in mouths I cannot see.
I haven't found my billfold. I'm still looking. And following.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Some Lessons Take A Long Time to Learn
Sometime this afternoon, I got a "friend" request from someone on Facebook. I did not recognize the name, for a variety of reasons, one of which was the name was written in Chinese script. I saw that we had one friend in common, another missionary friend of mine from thirty years ago when I lived in Japan. Still, I really did not recognize the name. I couldn't pronounce the name. I no longer read Japanese.
So, I sent this person a message, asking them this question, "Are you one of my former students from Japan?"
He sent me back a message, writing his name in English letters and saying that he was both a student at the high school, and that he also attended the church to which I was assigned. Did I remember him?, he asked.
It was thirty years ago.
His name did sound familiar though, even after thirty years, and even though I don't have very many particularly vivid memories left. I remember the 7th grader who taught me the Japanese word for "Thief", on the first day of school, when I picked up the pencil from his desk to use as a visual aid. "This is a pencil", I said. "This is a 'dorobo (thief)", he replied. I remember a young girl who couldn't remember the difference between "Chicken" and "Kitchen" in English. She would always sing the "Kentucky Fried Chicken" song to help in remembering. I remember that I would have simple Bible Studies in English before church sometimes.
So, I accepted his friend request. Then, he sent me a message back, thanking me, and telling me one thing, which was a gift.
He told me that a year after I left Japan, he was baptized, in another Lutheran church in Kumamoto, the city where I lived. Another one of my students (I learned) is the pastor of this congregation.
I went to Japan, following the call of the Holy Spirit (so I thought). Jesus wanted me to go and help him make disciples, so I thought. I did not know how to do this, but I trusted Jesus, at least some of the time.
But we were not making conversions right and left while I was there. Many people were interested in Christianity, but not so many seemed interested in actually becoming Christian. Perhaps we were failures (so I thought).
When I found out that my former student had gotten baptized, I said, "That's wonderful!" to which he replied, "Yes, God led me."
Thirty years ago I was a missionary in Japan. I kept telling myself that I was planting seeds, and that God was changing lives, whether I could see it or not.
Thirty years later, I am a pastor, and I am in a new place. I am impatient. I want to see things happening in my new community. I am looking around for signs of some kind or another. A good old fashioned baptism would be just the ticket. But I am planting seeds, and (the Holy Spirit reminds me), God is changing lives.
Thirty years later, I am a pastor, and God is reminding me again about what the church is for. It's not for programs (although we may have them) or potlucks (although they are delicious), or just to add more people to do the work I want to get done. The church is for changing lives, whether I can see it or not.
"Yes, God led me," he said.
God, lead me too, I will pray, tonight.
So, I sent this person a message, asking them this question, "Are you one of my former students from Japan?"
He sent me back a message, writing his name in English letters and saying that he was both a student at the high school, and that he also attended the church to which I was assigned. Did I remember him?, he asked.
It was thirty years ago.
His name did sound familiar though, even after thirty years, and even though I don't have very many particularly vivid memories left. I remember the 7th grader who taught me the Japanese word for "Thief", on the first day of school, when I picked up the pencil from his desk to use as a visual aid. "This is a pencil", I said. "This is a 'dorobo (thief)", he replied. I remember a young girl who couldn't remember the difference between "Chicken" and "Kitchen" in English. She would always sing the "Kentucky Fried Chicken" song to help in remembering. I remember that I would have simple Bible Studies in English before church sometimes.
So, I accepted his friend request. Then, he sent me a message back, thanking me, and telling me one thing, which was a gift.
He told me that a year after I left Japan, he was baptized, in another Lutheran church in Kumamoto, the city where I lived. Another one of my students (I learned) is the pastor of this congregation.
I went to Japan, following the call of the Holy Spirit (so I thought). Jesus wanted me to go and help him make disciples, so I thought. I did not know how to do this, but I trusted Jesus, at least some of the time.
But we were not making conversions right and left while I was there. Many people were interested in Christianity, but not so many seemed interested in actually becoming Christian. Perhaps we were failures (so I thought).
When I found out that my former student had gotten baptized, I said, "That's wonderful!" to which he replied, "Yes, God led me."
Thirty years ago I was a missionary in Japan. I kept telling myself that I was planting seeds, and that God was changing lives, whether I could see it or not.
Thirty years later, I am a pastor, and I am in a new place. I am impatient. I want to see things happening in my new community. I am looking around for signs of some kind or another. A good old fashioned baptism would be just the ticket. But I am planting seeds, and (the Holy Spirit reminds me), God is changing lives.
Thirty years later, I am a pastor, and God is reminding me again about what the church is for. It's not for programs (although we may have them) or potlucks (although they are delicious), or just to add more people to do the work I want to get done. The church is for changing lives, whether I can see it or not.
"Yes, God led me," he said.
God, lead me too, I will pray, tonight.
Monday, September 7, 2015
The Myth of the Single Solution
A long time ago a friend who was seeing a counselor gave me a slice of wisdom she had learned. "My counselor told me that I should beware of the single solution,'" she said.
The meaning was was not immediately clear to me. My friend was in a conflicted relationship, so I at first thought the advice had to do with whether she should continue or end her relationship.
That's not what she meant.
"No," she explained, "my counselor means that I should beware of thinking that there is just one thing that I should do, or can do, that will magically fix everything. There is not one single solution."
I thought about that for a long time. I thought about it in terms of personal relationships, and (I couldn't help it) I even thought of it in terms of congregations. There is not a 'single solution' for congregations.
At one time, (a long time ago, this was) I believed that the solution for churches was worship. If we could get with it, worship-wise, if we could create a kick-butt contemporary worship service, or a sublimely reverent traditional worship service, if we got rid of the organ or got a better organ, if we had a lead vocalist or a string quartet or a djembe, Everything Would Be All Right Again. The Contemporary Worship Service was the strategy of the hour. It was the way all churches were going to turn around and grow again.
It was the single solution.
I happen to know a fair number of churches with contemporary worship services. It has not been the single revitalization tool they thought it was. There is no one single revitalization tool. There is good worship of many varieties, and there are healthy relationships and there are disciples growing in faith and serving their neighbors, and there are myriad ways these things work or don't work in a congregation.
It's not just worship, of course. Sometimes the great youth program is the single solution. Sometimes the small group program is the single solution. Sometimes great sermons are the single solution.
Of course, the woman who told me this was seeing a counselor, and she was trying to figure out how to have a happier life, a more meaningful life. I think she believed that there was one thing she could do that would make her life better, and her counselor was cautioning her: it's not that simple.
For congregations, perhaps it is simple, in a way. There is no single solution. But there are two things: There is prayer, and asking questions. The prayer involves both speaking and listening, and expecting to hear God speak. The questions are all about what God is calling us to be, and to do. Maybe the questions are just another way of praying.
Now, this is my strategy. There is not one thing to do, but there are two (or three, really): Ask Questions. Pray. And Trust God.
The meaning was was not immediately clear to me. My friend was in a conflicted relationship, so I at first thought the advice had to do with whether she should continue or end her relationship.
That's not what she meant.
"No," she explained, "my counselor means that I should beware of thinking that there is just one thing that I should do, or can do, that will magically fix everything. There is not one single solution."
I thought about that for a long time. I thought about it in terms of personal relationships, and (I couldn't help it) I even thought of it in terms of congregations. There is not a 'single solution' for congregations.
At one time, (a long time ago, this was) I believed that the solution for churches was worship. If we could get with it, worship-wise, if we could create a kick-butt contemporary worship service, or a sublimely reverent traditional worship service, if we got rid of the organ or got a better organ, if we had a lead vocalist or a string quartet or a djembe, Everything Would Be All Right Again. The Contemporary Worship Service was the strategy of the hour. It was the way all churches were going to turn around and grow again.
It was the single solution.
I happen to know a fair number of churches with contemporary worship services. It has not been the single revitalization tool they thought it was. There is no one single revitalization tool. There is good worship of many varieties, and there are healthy relationships and there are disciples growing in faith and serving their neighbors, and there are myriad ways these things work or don't work in a congregation.
It's not just worship, of course. Sometimes the great youth program is the single solution. Sometimes the small group program is the single solution. Sometimes great sermons are the single solution.
Of course, the woman who told me this was seeing a counselor, and she was trying to figure out how to have a happier life, a more meaningful life. I think she believed that there was one thing she could do that would make her life better, and her counselor was cautioning her: it's not that simple.
For congregations, perhaps it is simple, in a way. There is no single solution. But there are two things: There is prayer, and asking questions. The prayer involves both speaking and listening, and expecting to hear God speak. The questions are all about what God is calling us to be, and to do. Maybe the questions are just another way of praying.
Now, this is my strategy. There is not one thing to do, but there are two (or three, really): Ask Questions. Pray. And Trust God.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
For Spencer and Caitlin, on the Occasion of their Marriage
I went to a wedding on Friday, for two people dear to my heart. I have known Spencer since he was nine or ten years old, when he was collecting coins and taking piano lessons and reading the Harry Potter books. He won my heart by liking whatever I cooked, and by being interested in almost everything.
I've known Caitlin for just a couple of years, but she has won my heart as well. First of all, she loves Spencer, and that would probably be enough. But she is also a woman of both substance and style, vivacious and earnest and funny.
Their wedding was an expression of the individual personalities and their relationship: full of music and original style, held in a funky old warehouse. Everyone came as themselves, no one simply playing a part. The officiant struck a balance of warmth and originality. Of course, the bride and groom wrote their own vows. There were tears. There was dancing. The word "unique" came to mind.
I am glad about that. I am glad that this wedding was unique, but I am also glad that, in the midst of all of the special and unique words that I heard, I also heard a few that resonated, a few that I recognized from other weddings, words about faithfulness, words about staying together in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.
Caitlin and Spencer, I celebrate your uniqueness, and this unique expression of your commitment to each other. I celebrate your style, your music, the light that I see behind your eyes, and when your eyes meet. But I also celebrate the promises of marriage, promises that are not unique, but which have been made by millions of couples for eons and ages.
It takes courage to get married. I think it has always been so, but maybe not always for the same reasons. It takes courages to pledge your life and your love to another unique person, to say, "from now on, we are in this together. It takes courage to get married, if for no other reason than that vow you make, "till death do us part." You love, and someday you will grieve.
Caitlin and Spencer, I celebrate your style. I celebrate your music, I celebrate your love for each other. But most of all, I celebrate your courage. You stand in a long line of people who have taken the leap, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.
I've known Caitlin for just a couple of years, but she has won my heart as well. First of all, she loves Spencer, and that would probably be enough. But she is also a woman of both substance and style, vivacious and earnest and funny.
Their wedding was an expression of the individual personalities and their relationship: full of music and original style, held in a funky old warehouse. Everyone came as themselves, no one simply playing a part. The officiant struck a balance of warmth and originality. Of course, the bride and groom wrote their own vows. There were tears. There was dancing. The word "unique" came to mind.
I am glad about that. I am glad that this wedding was unique, but I am also glad that, in the midst of all of the special and unique words that I heard, I also heard a few that resonated, a few that I recognized from other weddings, words about faithfulness, words about staying together in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.
Caitlin and Spencer, I celebrate your uniqueness, and this unique expression of your commitment to each other. I celebrate your style, your music, the light that I see behind your eyes, and when your eyes meet. But I also celebrate the promises of marriage, promises that are not unique, but which have been made by millions of couples for eons and ages.
It takes courage to get married. I think it has always been so, but maybe not always for the same reasons. It takes courages to pledge your life and your love to another unique person, to say, "from now on, we are in this together. It takes courage to get married, if for no other reason than that vow you make, "till death do us part." You love, and someday you will grieve.
Caitlin and Spencer, I celebrate your style. I celebrate your music, I celebrate your love for each other. But most of all, I celebrate your courage. You stand in a long line of people who have taken the leap, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.
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